Even though my daughters seem generally ok, I spend so much time worrying about them and wondering whether I’m messing them up. How do I cover the basics like teaching them morals, manners and kindness, while still making sure that they respect themselves AND that we have a good relationship with each other? Ack! I feel like there is so much that can go wrong.

—Worried

Dear Worried,

There are so many things that can and will go wrong! Best not to spend too much time worrying about it. Better to invest your energy in learning how to teach your children how to repair relationships and re-connect when something does go “wrong.”

Hurt and disappointment, with eventual re-connection, is what builds emotional resiliency in relationships. A normal level of hurt (not abusive hurt or neglect,) helps our children to develop a greater capacity for empathy and vulnerability. Tell your children when you’ve made a mistake and the emotional why (“Hey, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was tired and frustrated, but that doesn’t make it ok to yell at you. Will you forgive me?”).

Likewise, when your child messes up, focus on the emotional why instead of the rational why for them as well. This often means teaching your children about their emotions, especially when they are young. (“I thinks you were probably embarrassed and that’s why you said those mean things to your sister. What do you think, honey?”). For a tool on facilitating these sort of reconnections, click here.

And let grace abound. When people aren’t acting badly, take every opportunity you can find to touch and laugh. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Treat every day as a new day, trusting that when long race of parenting is done you’ll find that your daughters will turn out imperfect but fully-functioning, lovable humans.