When we comfort our children, we join in their suffering and provide refuge through their emotional storms. This both eases their pain and strengthens them. Because providing comfort requires sharing in our children’s pain, it is almost always uncomfortable for us. It often requires patience, kindness, and emotional strength of our own.

Your quiz results show that providing comfort may hard for you. This is completely understandable! The next time your child is struggling, instead of trying to quiet their pain or shut off their emotions, allow yourself to be present. Focus on your breath for several seconds and tell yourself that this too shall pass, no matter how intense it seems. Remember that a child’s life is emotionally stormy because their brain hasn’t yet formed the capacity to see the big picture. While what you may want them to learn or do is important, they won’t be able to move forward until their storm has passed. Stay calm and bear witness to the big feeling they’re having, showing him you’ll be there with them through their pain.

Support is how we help our kids discover and pursue the particular things they find interesting and valuable. We also support them when we introduce them to tasks or skills they need to master to succeed in life. Through support, we partner with our children as they learn about the world and find their place in it.

Your quiz results show that meeting your child’s need for support may be difficult for you. This is completely understandable! Reassure yourself that you don’t have to support your child perfectly for them to thrive. Our kids don’t need us to have all the answers or solve all their problems. More than anything, they benefit when we’re willing to be curious with them about the things they're interested in and when we help them consider problems in new ways. Your child just needs you to see them and take time to say, “How can I help you?” or pause and take time to notice when they show you something they've discovered.

Your quiz results show that meeting the need for boundaries may be a struggle for you. Take heart—you are not alone. Boundaries may be the hardest need to meet consistently, and a child’s ability to recognize the needs of others and consider the consequences of his actions will take a long time to develop. Try to approach this need with patience, perseverance, and grace for your child and yourself.

Good boundaries respect the humanity and dignity of our children while valuing the life experience, wisdom, and insight we grownups have to share. If setting and maintaining boundaries is difficult for you, consider their value. We respond to our kids’ need for boundaries to teach them how to live at peace with others. We give them boundaries to help them understand that their actions have consequences. And, finally, we give our children boundaries so that one day they will be able to set and keep healthy boundaries for themselves. Boundaries equip our children to navigate the world with wisdom and build better relationships with others, both now and for a lifetime.

Protection is one of humanity’s most basic needs, and there are moments when we must draw our children close and stand between them and things that would harm them. We also live in a culture that bombards us with warnings and reminders about the dangers that could befall our children. This can trigger fear that makes us want to keep them close at all times. Overprotecting our kids can keep them from trying things on their own and learning to master the skills they’ll need to survive and thrive later in life. As a parent, you face the challenge of trying to find the balance between too much and too little protection and deciding whether what they are experiencing is a danger to be protected from or simply an obstacle to maneuver.

Your quiz results show that you may be under responsive to your child’s need for protection. There is some good news in this—you're likely giving your child opportunities to discover their strength and resiliency amid danger and challenges. But we encourage you to explore whether some relationships or situations are too dangerous or risky for your child to manage on their own without causing potential long-term harm. If this could be the case, consider how you could become more aware of their activities and step in to protect them if the need arises.

Our kids are going to make mistakes. They’re going to have difficult encounters in the world and with others. Equipping is how we help them make sense of their hard experiences and find a way forward after their inevitable conflicts and setbacks. When we equip our children, we help them understand their difficulties so they'll feel prepared and hopeful about facing similar experiences in the future.

Your quiz results show that meeting your child’s need for equipping may be hard for you. This is completely understandable! It may help to consider how much further along in life you are than your child. You have probably been through a lot—heartache and disappointment and learning how to make peace with yourself and others. None of us have all the answers, but you’ve spent a lot of years navigating a complicated world and dealing with thoughts and feelings that are hard to untangle. If your temptation is to tell your kid what to do in the form of a directive like “You just need to . . .” consider taking a different tact. Invite your child into your process by describing experiences you’ve worked or struggled through yourself. Children love hearing stories about our own lives, and our kids are more likely to listen to our wisdom if we share it through story rather than simply telling them what they should or should not do.

If your kid isn’t sharing, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be close to you—they might just not know how to reach you or don’t believe you’ll think what they have to say is important. Making time for walks, regular breakfast dates, or shared hobbies will create opportunities for you to speak wisdom into your kid’s life when they need it most.

When your child experiences your delight in them—your genuine, unforced joy in who they are, not what they do—it lights them up with wonder and discovery. Knowledge of your delight provides the lift they need to go out into the world with confidence and security—it doesn’t guarantee any outcomes, but it is a hedge against storms. Children who grow up sure of their parent's delight can fail and fall down over and over and still be audacious enough to pick themselves up and try again.

Your quiz results show that you may struggle to feel and express your delight in your child. This is true for many of us—we’re all wired differently and have a range of life experiences that influence how we act in intimate relationships. Whatever your experiences, do you yourself feel worthy of love and delight? If not, could you sit with the idea that you are loved, just as you are? Beginning to truly believe this may set you free to love your child, too.

Jeffrey works a lot of parents who, for very legitimate reasons, have trouble delighting in and enjoying their children. Sometimes personalities clash, a developmental stage is incredibly difficult, or a life situation or diagnosis makes delighting hard. If this is the case for you, consider what you can be grateful for about your child. Practice saying what you love or are grateful for out loud to your child and around them to others, so they can overhear you talking positively about them. You and your child will both be strengthened as you speak out your love for them, even if you’re having trouble feeling it.