This post is part of a #GrowingConnected series and was originally published on KelleHampton.com

My 5-year-old son’s birthday is coming up and all he wants is a nerf gun. He talks about it constantly, begging for it, but I feel torn about buying him a toy gun. I don’t want to disappoint him on his birthday, though. Help!
– Conflicted

Dear Conflicted, one of the most important things we can do as parents is learn to recognize and get comfortable with the feeling of tension you describe in your question. Because you’re a human and your son is his own person, too, you’ll feel this tension over and over again as he grows. Right now he’s asking for a nerf gun, and in the years to come he’ll want and ask for many other things you won’t be sure about and perhaps haven’t even considered. So when what he wants pulls you in a direction you’re not comfortable with, resist rushing to a decision. Instead, notice the pulling and get curious about it. Get still and listen to what the tension wants to show you. The discomfort is an invitation to learn more about your child and yourself, and it can to lead you somewhere important.

Your first task is to get inside your little one’s mind. What does he picture happening if your answer is yes and he gets the gun? And where is his ask coming from? Do other friends or kids he sees have nerf guns? Does he simply want to join in the play? Has he been captivated by cool commercials or flashy store displays? Think through whether the toy is something he truly wants or something that is being sold to him. It’s an important distinction.

Your second task is to get inside your own mind. What are you afraid might happen if you say yes? Be honest and specific about your fears. Are you worried that giving your son a nerf gun will encourage him to be violent? Do you have a history or experiences that would make pretend gun play in your home uncomfortable for you? Are you fearful about what other parents will think of you if they see your child with a play weapon? Are you scared or sad to give up the dream of the child you pictured raising, the one who was occupied for hours with homemade toys and wooden blocks? (Been there.) Say your fears out loud and listen to how they sound. Some will ring true, and some may lose their power when you examine them in the light.

If your child’s ask seems authentic and persists over time, but some of your fears also remain, reach out to others for help. There is wisdom in the village. Talk to other parents to find out what decisions they’ve made about this same issue. Have they shared your fears? And if so, what boundaries or rules did they set up around play guns that helped to ease some of their concerns?

We want our “yeses” to be wholehearted, because our children have a hard time separating our attitudes towards the things we let them have and do and our attitudes towards them. So if your fears are specific and lingering after you’ve examined them, talk to your son before you make your final decision. Using simple language, try to figure out if he is mature enough to accept the boundaries you’ll need to set around the toy. If it seems like your rules will be too difficult for him, then it may be time to wait. We set our relationships up for shame, resentment and future conflict if saying yes in the moment will lead to power struggles down the road.

Finally, remember that any answer of yes, no, or maybe-but-not-yet is not the end of the world. Generations of children have survived not getting what they wanted for their birthdays, just as generations of parents have grown by supporting their children in interests that didn’t match their own. Whatever you decide, you’ll both get through this decision. Letting the tension push you to wonder about your son and his world in new ways may teach you important things about yourself, too.